How Romance Became The Unexpected Key To My Deepest Healing

The past four months have been incredibly overwhelming and transformative for me as I decided to simultaneously welcome in divine love and rise in my priestesshood — the combination of which has been the greatest fear of all of my lifetimes.

I have honored both of these paths separately many times before, but it is the combination of these two roles, The High Priestess and The Lover, that always seemed to create deep conflict and trauma in my experience.

Through the gift of past life regression, I have witnessed myself playing the role of the witch, the priestess, and the healer in many lives, and also bore witness to the betrayal I faced from partners, from men I trusted, and from men in institutions that feared my power.

My cells were imprinted with the memory that being powerful was associated with being controlled, manipulated, and sometimes even killed by men. As a result, in the lifetimes I chose to honor my path as a priestess I often decided to walk alone to avoid the trauma I feared would be inflicted upon me as a woman in her power.

However, as the soul is wont to do, it swings to the other end of the spectrum because it knows there is an experience there that has yet to be felt and integrated. This means I spent many lifetimes giving all of my power away to men: denying my gifts, my calling, my power – everything – in favor of the approval and security offered by romantic partnership, an experience my soul longed for deeply after having walked a path of solitude for so long. In response all of this past-life trauma, in this life I’ve swung from codependency and love addition to the complete avoidance and fear of romantic partnership.

I’ve even worked with healers and coaches who went so far as to tell me that love wasn’t going to be an important part of my life this time around because I needed time to focus on my “path as a healer” (seriously?!).

This is rhetoric which I’ve sadly seen repeated in many spiritual spaces, and while it may be well meaning – it’s all most likely projections from people who have similar, painful imprinting.

– Repeat: It is safe for me to love and be loved, and it is safe for me to be powerful. –

When I first met my partner I had this intense, overwhelming fear that the relationship was going to distract me from my path or rob from me the opportunity to live my purpose – which of course, were all projections from the spiritualized ego. I came to realize that my spiritual path wasn’t just about meditation, leading workshops, and developing a “high vibe brand.”

For me, integrating romance and pleasure into my life in a healthy and balanced way has been just as important as stepping up to write, create, and to share my voice with those who want to listen. This is my version of spirituality, and developing my romantic partnership has been one of the most sacred experiences ever for me. It has transformed and evolved me in ways that I can’t even begin to explain — perhaps more-so than any plant medicine ceremony or guided meditation ever could.

For those who feel they have to stand alone to be powerful or on purpose, I am here to say that this is officially old (paradigm) news. However, let me be clear: if your decision to not choose romantic partnership is coming from a deeply true place within you, honor that experience because it is totally valid! At the end of the day only you can discern where this choice is coming from; and as always, be patient with yourself because the answer may not always be super clear at first.

It took me several loops around the same track to discover how these conflicting energies were manifesting in my life because the conditioning and trauma was just that strong. As the divine feminine continues to rise, it’s important that we honor the complexity and the diversity of this path, and what it means for each and every one of us.

May you be blessed with so much love, patience, and trust on your journey in seeking both love and the divine, and may we all realize that at the end of the day, they are really just one in the same.