It’s time to show up fully for love

For me, my greatest fears in life have also been my greatest callings. Sharing my voice with strangers, coming out of the “spiritual closet,” finding a way to support myself by doing what I enjoy, and dun dun dun: allowing someone to love me fully, truly, and unconditionally.

Many of us are hardwired to believe that there is nothing more important in this life than to love and be loved, however more often than not we have a hard time being truly, and I mean, truly vulnerable and honest with our romantic interests in a way that creates space for us to be loved the way we really deserve.

It was only as I started to wake up that I was able to see just how dysfunctional my past romantic partnerships were. Over giving, people pleasing, obsession, jealousy, emotional abuse, you name it. I’ve experienced so many highs and lows in my long-term relationships and pseudo-courtships that I had unconsciously developed the belief that I was unworthy of anything else but a soul crushing - mind bending roller coaster ride.

However, as I woke up I began to peel back the outermost layers of my painful past to reveal someone who actually did believe in and craved true, authentic love.

I also realized that the reason I feared love much more at this stage than I ever had before is because I have arrived at a place in my life where I am honoring myself and my needs 100%. I am showing up raw, open hearted, beautiful, magical, flawed, and amazing -- and I finally have my shit together.

In the past I was so used to playing small and hiding parts of myself from my partners because I thought that’s how women needed to present themselves in order to be loved.

I realize now that it’s not only deeply unhealthy to do this, but it’s actually not even possible for me anymore. I have reclaimed and integrated so many wounded parts of myself and there is no turning back. I am here in my fullness, and I’m only growing.

So yes! All good things. But of course, even after the dust from all these excavations has settled, the fear lingers. What kind of man wants a woman like that? It whispers. Will he be threatened by my power, my beauty, my magic, my deep-deep love, and my wide open heart? It doubts. If you have all of these great things going for you he won’t think you NEED him. It menaces.

The road to open heartedness, vulnerability, and transparency in my romantic life has not been the easiest. Rejections received were often along the lines of “wow, you’re so great – I just can’t commit to anything that serious right now.” Ugh -- what did he mean by that serious? Am I too serious?!?!

As it were, after each breakup I found myself re-evaluating the parts of myself I thought men found the most threatening and adjusting as necessary to avoid future rejection. However, because the universe loves me so much, this tactic never truly worked to my advantage.

Spirit was patiently and lovingly waiting for me to come to the awareness that me, in all of my glory was worthy of being accepted just as it was. No adjustments necessary. And of course, I’m not perfect. I still have wounds.

I still carry pain in my heart from past loves, and past lives. However, the difference now is that I am learning to show up FULLY at the door of love, with all that I am. As I continue to come face to face with love I deepen my ability to surrender, my ability to be raw, bloody, broken in some places, magical, beautiful, funny, forgetful, nervous, and inspiring. I cry in the arms of a lover. I ask for help. I ask for space. I ask to be heard. I give. I release. I let go. I expand. I am finally seen.

There is no other way for me anymore. Smallness has had its time. Even if I am shaking as I speak my truth it is so much more powerful and transformative than having never said it at all. I pray that love can be this way for us all.