Leaning safely into conflict

Have you ever left a situation and said to yourself “Damn. I really wish I would’ve said X to that person”? That pang of regret you get after you’ve crafted the perfect rebuttal in your mind (and realize you can’t actually go back in time and deliver it) is painfully familiar. But it begs the question: Why are we so cool, calm, collected (and wise) in our minds, but stutter, stumble, or even fly off the handle in the heat of the moment? Even for those of us who consistently practice consciously communicating our feelings, meditate, and have a (somewhat) even temperament, the potential for those moments still feels ripe. 

You already know how it feels: your cheeks get hot, your heart starts racing, your palms start sweating, and…your mind goes blank. The words are dancing at the tip of your tongue, but your brain is foggy and can’t seem to string any of them into a sentence that resembles anything coherent. Your gut is in knots. A sense of defeat starts to settle in. You retreat inwards, allowing the words, the energy -- whatever it is that’s being directed at you -- to continue their assault. You feel utterly powerless. It feels like anything you say at this point would only dig you further into whatever hole you’re currently settled into. 

Ugh. What a really, shitty way to feel. But, why? Why does this happen? For starters, many of us are trained against engaging in conflict from an early age. Instead of being taught how to prepare ourselves for something that is absolutely inevitable in life, we’re instead taught to shy away from it and disengage whenever it happens. This, as you could imagine, makes a mess of things. 

Ultimately for many of us, our nervous systems are not prepared to engage in what could actually potentially be thoughtful and healthy dialogue. For this reason our “fight, flight, or freeze” mechanism is activated whenever we encounter what we perceive to be conflict: our bodies and minds don’t recognize it as familiar or safe. In fact, in some cases we may actually be creating conflict when it isn’t required if we’re positioned in the “fight” response. In this way our nervous systems are already positioned for battle instead of recognizing the possibility for a centered and mutually respectful conversation. Furthermore, we’re also often taught that if you think that way and I think this way -- we’re at an impasse. And it’s obviously never that black and white.

Honoring Our Individual Selves

For those who were not given space to safely individuate as a child, conflict may give rise to challenging emotions. Individuation is the process by which a child naturally emerges as a separate individual with their own unique wants, needs, tastes, etc. If for whatever reason that process was stifled during early childhood, you may have a hard time expressing or asserting your own opinions for fear of upsetting the balance, or “rocking the boat.” However it is precisely when we realize that we are indeed “separate” from one another that we recognize differences in opinion, and ultimately conflict, is a natural part of the flow of life.

This simple awareness and acceptance that we are all individuals having separate experiences may help soften some of the edginess you feel around expressing your feelings. Knowing that A) it is safe for you to have feelings and thoughts that are different than others’, and that B) it is safe for you to express those thoughts and feelings, can be a huge step toward regulating your nervous system around conflict.

Being regulated means that we are able to move more fluidly between different states of stress and can adapt promptly to changes in our environment. It fosters a deep sense of safety and trust in our bodies, and ultimately in our emotional responses. Moving toward regulation in conflict means that when it does inevitably arise, instead of getting sweaty, flustered, and hot headed, we can calmly, confidently, and clearly address the topic head on. By remaining firmly planted and grounded in our bodies, we're able to express ourselves from our deepest core, speak our truth, and honor others’ as well.  

The next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re required to speak up, remember: It is safe for you to have your own opinion, and it is safe for you to express it. Ground into this awareness, feel it in your body, take a few deep breaths, and speak up. And of course, as with most things, it gets better with practice.

Here’s to your courageous, bold, and non-wavering voice.